Tuesday, 5 June 2012

My First

" Hello" Hello" " "Is there anybody there?" " Yes, yes down here, can you see me? Can you get me out of here? I just wanted to see what was down here they said it would help."  Liars!!!!

That is how I have been feeling the last week. Stuck!!! Like getting on the Zipper at Thomas Amusements and you have complete regret right away, but you can't get off.
My first. All the anxiety, anticipation, worry, tears, fears of chemo was here.
The whole experience of the infusion was easy and actually more surreal than anything. The nurse was kind and on task.  When she put the needle in my arm my reality became all too real. I cried. I cried cause it hurt and I cried because I knew what was coming or did I? I had my husband and my friends there. I have to say they made the hour of your fingers in ice more tolerable and consoled me when they were so frozen I wanted to give up. I was grateful.  I saw lots of people from the hospital, as the chemo suite as its called, is a busy place and a reminder of my fortunate situation of finding my cancer when I did. Everyone understands what your going through, they all smiled or frowned as they went by. Your on display, so if you cry, you cry, and if your having a good laugh, well that is shared for all as well.
An hour for this drug, an hour for that one, flush you out and off you go. Nurse just looked at me and said " you can go now". Geez you could of at least gave me a sticker, or a kiss. Nothing just goodbye.
The next two days were somewhat normal, whatever that is these days. A trip to Costco, which proved costly  taking a woman full of steroids . Pat said no more Costco on chemo days. I was shopping like I was going in a  bomb shelter for a month. He didn't say a word just allowed it to happen. I also needed a a new dry erase board and new fireplace screen, essentials when having chemo. Oh oh and new socks and enough Venus Razors to do me a year. By Friday I got up a little slower, could feel the fuzzies in my head, and by lunch my hips felt like I needed a replacement. It was starting. I hoped this was going to be as bad as it gets, but we all know the answer to that.
The following days have been filled with drama of calling my husband to help my off the toilet,to experiencing my first ever " gulp" hemorrhoid. What the heck? My poor bum has not been left unscathed?The chemo likes to make you think that you are not doing too bad and then " whamo"! It likes to get up in your head as well like a fuzzy blanket. A slight tingly feeling all over. " I know what you are doing up there" " You want my hair" " Well you can't have it  the side effects say 14-17 days and that is when it is going to happen." Lets see if it listens.
The place the chemo seems to like the best in me is my bones. It had a friend called Nuelasta to help it along. Together they have made my body feel like I was tossed around by transformer, Optimus Prime. I am not sure why that visual has been in my head all week. Maybe its because I feel completely battered at times. I had been feeling incredibly healthy lately. Post surgery that is. More energy than in a long time, so I feel completely jaded that all the work I did to recover from  surgery has been taken away. FOR NOW!
My favorite side effect is the way the chemo knits a fine pair of wooley socks around your mouth and then tops it off with a after taste of cast iron pan. I never knew pizza could taste like a piece of tasteless gum as you chew. Okay folks bacon with no flavor is just as wierd as it gets. Chemo loves sugar. Natropath won't be happy
Alright! Alright! I will stop complaining. I know I am not the first person to go through chemo. I will tell you this last week has taught me why individuals call themselves survivors. I was struggling with that term. I didn't get it. Well I did, I just wasn't comfortable with it. All clear now.When you are going through the side effects of chemo you really feel helpless at times. You aren't but you just feel that way. You make it through this, you definitely survived something. I have been humbled by all the men and women I have met so far who went this path already and now even more so. I get it when they tear up about their journey's. Why they want to form a group.
I have been blessed with great friends who have supported and are teaching me to embrace the word " yes". Its easy to say no " I am okay" when your not. Ahhh the martyr I know too many of those, not sure in the end what it gets them. So in case I forget to say it, thanks for the phone calls, texts, emails, macaroni casserole, sausages, soup, croissants, buns, back rub, creme, magazines and on  and also generally letting me vent and cry. Dont' even get me started on the menopause effects.
I want to mention to end this wonderful entry that my friend quit smoking on the day I started chemo. I asked him why and he just said" if you can do chemo then I can quit smoking." I am completely happy that out of something so difficult will come something wonderful not only for me but for someone else. I wish him every bit of courage on his journey.

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.
Thanks for being my gold


  1. Oh Sondria,It is good to have you back and on the mend from this first round...One down, three to go. You will get there. While others have gone before you and experienced chemo, this is your first and you are allowed to feel whatever you want.....

    1. Each time I read your blog it brings me to tears it is amazing how different we are but have this common bond!! I love the last part about the Japanese filling the cracks with gold I guess we have a lot of gold in us !! Always thinking about you Stephanie

    2. Thanks Aline I am in for this ride only made possible with the love of friends and family.

  2. Salut ma soeur,

    I really need to NOT read your blog before I have an appointment to go to, cause I get there and they they all look at me like I have 5 heads. My eyes are swollen and I look like hell!

    You write wonderfully, Sondria. Putting into words the emotional struggles is good for you to express and release whatever is inside your head. I love the Costco bit with Pat and I definitely think he did great not saying a word! Guy's eyebrows would of been up at the top of his forehead, but he would of just let me go too! It's too bad about the taste buds especially for the pizza, man, that sucks big time. BUT pretend that it is just as well cause that place makes lousy pizza anyway, right. You are feeling battered, sweetie, because you ARE both physically and emotionally. NOTHING, could have prepared you for this experience. You read the books, talked to the survivors, got the medical advise and now you are living the reality. DON'T be afraid to ask for help! From Pat, Eilish, your friends, your FAMILY - we all love you and are riding shotgun, that is all we can do. Get some PrepH, go outside in a comfortable chair and read. Take the time you need to heal, I am with you in spirit and in prayer, little sister.
    Bonne journee, je t'aime xoxo Geraldine

    1. Thanks sister much love for all encouragement much needed and much appreciated

  3. You are amazing for your courage and your ability to put these emotions step by step in words.we often wonder how people get through this.youve made it real for me.tears and laughter to boot! Take care. Xoxo sheena.