Saturday, 26 May 2012

Subtracting and Adding

As my date draws incredibly close to my first chemo treatment, I have been trying frantically to be prepared. Trying to stay one step ahead of things I don't even know yet, bit of a game really. Control or the illusion of control is probably what I am seeking, not sure if that is possible completely.

Along with my list of things to offset the side effects of the chemo, I have tried to think about how I can lessen any discomfort with the things I know are  going to happen. One of the biggies being the inevitable loss of my hair. You see I have been growing my hair for the last year or so to get it back to the length it was 4 years ago before I bobbed it off. I have always associated my hair with feeling good about myself. It makes me feel pretty when its long and overall I feel more feminine. Its a personal thing and I know it comes from being a thin, unibrow type of teenager. I had cut my hair in high school pretty short and every time I see those photo's I want to die. Now remember this is a perceptual thing I had of myself at the time. So bottom line is I feel better with long hair. I know I am going to lose my hair that is a given. Dealing with it not as easy. I knew that if my hair started to come out while it was long it would probably break my heart, since it comes out kind of clumpy. So I decided that I would cut it off, completely off. Like boy short. I thought that if I cut it short it would not hurt so much when it comes out cause I had already changed it myself.
My first hair appointment got cancelled which was hard since I had completely resigned to the decision. So now I had to wait, nothing new these days. My daughter was suppose to come with me on that day but now she could not come since the time had changed. I never really thought about it, except I would just go, but it turns out not alone. Two girlfriends show up with a bottle of bubbly and a bag of chips. How perfect is that. We had a " Pixie Party" for my new pixie doo that was to be. The salon welcomed our little celebration. My friends are the best in the world and god has gifted me with many, they all carry me. The stylist was kind and completely understanding of my angst. I have to say she reminded me a little of Edward Scissor hands, hair flying everywhere. At one point she swept up just to get rid of the amount of hair on the floor, and to maybe lessen the impact on me. After a year and half of growing, it was all gone in 20 minutes. Everyone was so kind with their words and compliments. My heart ached just a little. Cancer has taken my breast and now my hair "what a bugger". Although I said yes to the mastectomy and booked my own hair appointment. Ahhh the illusion of control, I will take it. I can grow my hair back not sure about the boob although god knows what people are doing in a lab somewhere. I shudder to think about that one.
So if I can't grow a new boob and its too early for me to have one made, I think its time I at least got myself a good fake one. I have had a prescription for one for a couple of weeks but had not done anything about it. Was I putting it off on purpose? I have been using makeshift boobie enhancers for the last while. A lovely little silicone bra enhancer from Walmart, and a pocket thingy from my mastectomy camisole that had done its time. My friend told me to fill a nylon with rice a little tip from the cross dressing world.
I went and had a fitting done yesterday. Its funny you know because I think that with everything I do, like cutting my hair or getting my prosthesis it is a kind of acceptance for me. Accepting cancer is not an easy thing to do. I talk about it, joke about it, but I am not sure I have truly accepted its reality, although my chest is my permanent reminder. I miss being even.
The lady at the fake boobie place was kind and patient as I asked a million questions. She showed me different models. It was like shopping for a car, each one with its special features. I phoned my insurance to see what they would cover and it turns out it is a generous amount so I told her I want the Cadillac and that is exactly what I left with. I even got the proper bra to put it in. I know get why we should have the proper one as it just feels different and better than the Walmart version.
So last night I took my new hair and boob out for a drink, I thought they both deserved it. Not sure my head agrees today.


  1. Sondria, I would have loved to have gone with you for your celebration....hope it was good...

  2. Ahh, the illusion of control, my sister! We deal with it daily but we never really give it a second thought, until today. To accept the things we cannot change, doesn't mean that we like it, want it or need it, it just is. I don't find any vanity in your statement of feeling better with long hair, this is how you feel, it just is. I'am not sure about the nylon with the rice in it, but if you ever need food in a emergency you could boil the rice and make a nice broth and then eat the rice! As for the Cadillac, how many of us don't think twice of getting exactly that for our everyday use. Good for it girl, you are doing wonderful, I am so proud of you. Hugs, Geraldine