Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Peaks and Valley's

As with anyones life, its full of peaks and valleys. Happiness and sadness. For me its all amplified. I have tried to embrace both. I remember the day I was told I have breast cancer my friend asked my doctor should I get something to help with my coping. The doctor said " she would rather that I feel everything I am going through. Thanks doc! I am glad that I get to feel everything as it is. The happiness comes from the generosity of friends and family. It was my birthday this week. Bald and breast less at 47. What more could a girl ask for. What off sets the reality of my life right now is the joy and laughter they all bring. As many know I am not a huggy type a girl. Although I feel deeply. So if somehow I don't show it, know that I feel it. I had a wonderful party given by a dear friend and it was filled with old and new friends. I am completely blessed. I just ask and someone is there, with many waiting to help at the drop of a hat. Sometimes I wished I knew what it is I need. When you life revolves about doing its difficult to answer that question for yourself. Its a bit of journey to reach the point of receiving. I know there are many reading this who know of what I speak. Remember to fill your cup, put you oxygen mask on first, if you don't, what your putting out, will diminish your spirit and maybe having you writing a blog about having cancer. I firmly believe that the body says no eventually. Geez I am being a little heavy today with my thoughts. Chemo starts today I think that might be might my black cloud. Can you say steroids. They make me a little crazy I gotta say.
I just was making my breakfast and a commercial came on about the Run for the Cure. It was a husband talking about his wife getting breast cancer and why he was running. I cried as I stood in my kitchen with my cap on my head to keep it warm. I thought that is me, I keep forgetting that is me. I always wanted to run for someone else. How did this all happen. What did I do wrong, what did I do right and what is it I have to change? At this point I know I am being as proactive as I can. Could I be doing more? Sure! One step at a time.
This week is full with a massage, ahhhh thanks Sara, missed my acupuncture, sorry Dr. Munden. They took my blood, lets hope its all good for chemo today. Feel pretty good. I have a baseline MRI on my other breast to see whats up with that. Cross your fingers people. Then we will round of the week with a Nuelasta shot in my belly to keep white blood cells up. Bring on the side effects. I am armed this week with more drugs, not something I ever have taken. I have new homeopathic remedies to help so that rounds it off to 13 things to ingest daily. Some twice a day. Girl has gotta do what a girl has gotta do. I am finding the odd glass of red wine helps to take the edge off. Millions can't be wrong.
I had hoped to take my daughter to my chemo session today but she is sick and can't come to the hospital with her cold. I felt that it would be good for her to see the process and to be able to understand what her mother is actually dealing with. We are good at just coping and sometimes hiding. I tend to be more outward than intrinsic as I got to talk everything through multiple times, but with your kid its different. I try to articulate frequently how I am feeling but i am still cooking and driving and doing what I can. She has school and exams, and work and cadets so very busy. My mother had breast cancer and as a young adult I did not even get it or was there at times when I should of been. I did do what I could living away or so my self absorbed self thought. My daughter is leaving for the summer for a job at cadet camp, so she will miss some of the wonderful chemo aftermath days, maybe not a bad thing for everyone involved. I will miss her dearly.
In the time since my last chemo treatment I have managed to squat in some fun. I got to see the opening of the David Blackwood exhibit, a IMAX movie, Alan Doyle concert, two parties, fathers day, birthday dinner and time with friends. Embracing life when I can. I know this next round I need to maybe rest a little more, but when you feel good you want to do things. Pretty normal. I am blessed to have family coming in July and August, they will both be here for chemo and I am eternally grateful.
See for every sad moment I have, there is no choice but to get back to life. Its happening, its wonderful and I believe all the sad moments teach us to embrace the great ones, and usually the great ones are small things that build us up, not some big aha moment. Its opening the door and hearing a bird sing. blasting a song in the car and dancing a little in your seat as you drive, saying thank you and getting a smile for it, eating a favorite food, sitting with a friend in the sun, a text asking how you are. So if you are feeling a bit down, or life has kicked you in the ass today, find something that makes you smile, do something for someone. Get your channels flowing so the positive can push out the negative. Okay I am preaching. I think I am talking to myself, you all get to reap the benefits today lol.
Here is a song that spoke to me today and gave me a little boost...made me cry and smile at the same time..This is for all of you that read this blog, laugh and cry with me and support me by reading and reflecting back. Thank you.

1 comment:

  1. Hey baby girl, you say it all so eloquently.
    This one's a fighter! Until the referee rings the bell, give 'em hell, here comes a fighter! Personally, I am the 1, 2, jab, knock-out type, but in a REAL fight, like yours.......I am not so sure that I would be still standing. You have always done what you thought was best, Sondria, don't doubt that. Lean on the people that want to help and that need to feel like they can do SOMETHING to be there for you and your loved ones. If sending, positive energy and love helps......hey, whatever works girl ! Hugs, through round 2........xoxo love ya, Geraldine