Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Moment of Silence

This morning started slow. Six days post chemo and very much still in rally mode. I have had a little blue friend help me sleep at night, something I am not used to, and I chose not to invite him over last night. I think he was pissed. He voodoo'd me with odd dreams, constant waking and waking on fire. Rest is crucial, it alluded me last night.  I awoke tired and feeling a little battered. I might have to have a sleepover with him again tonight.  Don't tell my husband.So much for being proactive, maybe in a funny way that is what I am doing.

 The chemo has a way of tricking you into thinking your okay. You look okay. Your friends think you look okay. Inside it feels like there is an unwanted visitor, chipping away at your stamina. Its alright, I gotta a plan for you, I don't know what it is yet, but your out of here.

I have revelled in the support as my hair went short and shorter. The departure of the hair has been a slow process. Almost two weeks since I buzzed it as I felt strands departing their follicles. It seems when you are graced with a fine head full of hair like myself it takes a while. The hair slowly thins or so I thought. The last week its just felt like wire sticks in my head. Just sitting there, dead. They hurt if you rub them the wrong way. " I just want them out". Careful what you wish for. I tried to picture in my mind what it would look like when they came out. I tried to think that I would be okay with it.
I just tried to imagine, to empower myself but....

I decided what I need today is a shower, a nice hot one, make all the boo's boo's go away. It usually works. Perks me up. I washed my hair, whats left of it..keep the scalp all healthy. I had noticed each time I wash my hair I lost some of it with each washing. Well today was the day of the great departure. I kept going over my head with my hand. With each pass a hand full of those little wirey buggers. It was what I wanted since it was so uncomfortable, wasn't it? I kept going and going, but I knew I did not get them all out. I suddenly realised, I now had to deal with what was left. How would I look? Was I ready for this today? Nope! I realised I had taken my big girl pants off before I got in the shower, even they weren't working today anyways. As I turned off the shower, I started to cry, not a sob or weeping type of cry, the one that comes from down deep. I think I needed this cry. Nothing prepared me for the reflection in the mirror, combined with puffy red eyes and a snotty nose from crying. Lovely, just completely lovely. I let er go. A good cry, nothing clears the soul better. I called my husband, sobbed on the phone. I assured him I was fine, but what I wanted was not to be alone right then and there. His voice was enough. I hung up and was just quiet. I felt I needed a moment of silence, for my follicularly challenged head. All the planning, prepping, self esteem building from those I love did not work today, but that is okay. This isn't about keeping me from being sad, mad or angry. I don't like it but I feel all those things. I also get to be happy as well. Humbles one to appreciate the now.
Now time to get the wig ready for sure. I had picked it up but it I found it was to heavy so I asked my friend to drop it off today on the way home to the hair dresser. I really appreciate the help. Shortly after I receive a picture text.
So a girl has no choice but to laugh and be happy when surrounded with people who will do anything to make you feel better. It fixed everything.


  1. OMG....We love you Sondria...lunch this week? Come on, I will sneak you in a burger...shhhhh...I bet you wants one.

  2. It's all in the name of getting better. That beautiful mane will return again. Now I know who will buy the wig when you're finished with it. LOL.

  3. Sondria, it was good to talk on skype today. I knew you were having a bad day - that's alright girl! The best cry is the howling one, it releases a few demons. My heart hurts for you, but I know that you will push through and come out of this whole. You're still you, Sondria! Someday you will use all of these experiences, to help someone else in your community. Keep writing your journals my sweet little sister, I've got your back, always! Me and the praying Quirion gang! A bientot, Geraldine

  4. I love the photo my partner thought it was pretty hillarious to try mine on too !!!! Keep the faith this is only temporary