Monday, 11 June 2012
one lump or two?
I believe that for every woman who loses her breasts the idea of reconstruction comes into play. As much as I did not want to lose mine, it came down to pure common sense. Lose it and live it. I chose to keep my life going for as long as I can. Cancer makes you chose . It takes away a part of you and if you let it, it will makes the rest stronger. Sounds a little dramatic for just a boob, but the truth is its more than just that.
I recall when this journey started that I would wake up and literally weep in bed devastated that is wasn't a dream. The stark reality, a shot to the heart, sadness in its purest form. You are grateful for the fact that the cancer has hopefully been removed, but you are forever changed, your sexuality and sense of self challenged. Redefining yourself at 46 can be a good/bad thing. I know I needed a shake up in some area's of my life. I think I could of handled just being stirred a little.
I am lucky to have to a cast iron claw foot tube that soaks my aches and pains away. Its in a lovely bathroom, painted red, and I feel cozy and healed when I get in. The problem always arises when I stand there naked, in all my glory, and looking back at me, in the lovely LARGE mirror, is my new body. I don't get sad, I just think " nope, not keeping this model". Alright my heart pangs a little, but in the honor of self preservation I tuck that little bit of pain where it belongs. Away.
I knew I wanted to get myself a new boob since before it was gone. People would say " don't worry you can get another one". Do they have a special asile at Walmart for those? Will I regenerate like a starfish or a worm? Why does it sound so easy?
I had tried to talk to my surgeon several times about reconstruction but the smart man that he is, he always said " down the road" and would not really engage me in those conversations. I was a little ticked with this approach, but I understand now that part of a mastectomy is the unknown and many things can come out of the pathology report. As we all know I got myself a grade 3, multifocal type a cancer and we still don't know for sure what that other boob of mine has in store for me yet. Details are scanty. MRI to follow.
I did however take it upon myself to be get referred to the plastic surgeon. I chose a surgeon who I had heard many good things about. The bionic woman had a the best team and so should I. So far I have been very lucky with the team that surrounds me. I had my first appointment with him the other day. I knew it was just an initial consult but you still wanna hear he can do it. I waited with many others in the waiting room. I was feeling really tired and was slouching in my chair but I was still fascinated that every woman there was probably there for the same reason. Your not the only one Sondria!!!! You know this but need to be reminded periodically. I finally got called in. Oh great put on the blue gown, strip off, waist up and wait. He came in swiftly, I had seen the pace to which he went from room to room. He asked some questions and then said drop the gown. Now as a woman who was pretty shy with my body these days my gown goes down more than the temperature in St. John's. He put me on the table to look at reconstruction possibilities, one being rebuilding you with your own tissue. This entails taking tissue from the abdomen area. Anyone who knows me knows that is not happening. He says " there is nothing there to take". This I already knew. It would have to be an implant. He explains the process and the months it will take and the multiple surgeries. I ask him about my other breast. He looks and says, not wait for it ladies " there is not much I can do with the other one its pretty much a perfect breast". Sweet jesus in the garden " I love you". Then I blurt out " that is what I thought about both of them, which is why I was sad when I had to lose one". He just looks at me. I am thinking " did I just say that". I did. I ask him would we maybe just lift it a little and he says "maybe something like that."
He asks me to make sure this is something I really want and to refers me to a website www.breastreconstructioncanada.ca
I explain to him that yes this is something I want. Its not for everyone. I want two lumps. I know I will never look completely matchy matchy but it would make the illusion easier for me. In the end its all about how I feel and what I want. I am gonna park this baby now and focus on staying well and getting through the next couple of months. There are many mountains to climb before the I do booberest. God I crack myself up.