|My Challenge for the day|
I knew when this whole ordeal began that I needed or should have ( so I thought) a wig. As my hair fell I made the call and made sure it was here when I needed it. Since my hair is gone, and I look more like the guy from Hell Raiser, I am thinking I should wear it now. I had worn it from the salon to home and it sits adorned upon a beautiful fake head. There it has stayed, staring at me from the dresser. If it could talk it would be saying " wear me wear me". I glance quickly and turn away. I know I am avoiding, not sure what it is about the wig, but I can't bring myself to wear it.
I have started with hats, and pretty scarves. I seem to be more comfortable with that. Not sure why as I find it screams " hello look at me" " got no hair over here". "Ah look at the poor girl, she must have the cancer."
Each time I put on the wig, I think " its not me". I am not quite sure you know who you are through this process. Pumped full of steroids for a period and then bags of chemo drugs you lose site of yourself for a period during each cycle. As the treatment chips away at the outer self, you work harder to keep the self esteem train going and present a united front against the enemy . I wanted to get the wig and rock it, but all I feel is odd, like a girl with a bald head with a wig on.
So I did what any girl would do to figure this dilemma , I went shopping. Winners makes everything all better. I thought a nice little something something would do the trick. I had birthday money.. I figured with the right outfit on bottom I could rock the top. After an hour or so I walk out with a snazzy top and some new sexy heels ( don't tell anyone they are from naturalizer hard to say sexy and naturalizer in the same sentence). I did however try on a dress but quickly realise that life for now has changed as the mastectomy bra I now have to wear is more like a 24 hour cross your heart doesn't come in a demi cup and some outfits just won't work, oh my a little dose of reality. I did get a bottle of french perfume so I smell great, and people will now be distracted by how fragrant I am when I put on the wig. That is it I am armed to the gills with items to battle the wig phobia I have now seemed to developed.
I had a lunch planned with the girls today at a local restaurant. Time to get dolled up and plant that baby right where it belongs. On my head. It was like I was getting ready for something really big. So a quick pop in the shower, which these days is like Flash Gordon getting in and out. No shaving, no hair washing, soap her up, rinse her off, done!!! I gotta say its a bonus. I get my make-up on and make sure to highlight my eyebrows and eyelashes which have not taken a beating from the drugs yet. Hopefully they are here to stay, although my eyelashes have a few hollow areas, my mascara does the job. I haul on one of my finds from the shopping spree and now I am ready to tackle that sucker and get her on there.
Oh no a moment of doubt!!! My thoughts creep in. "Maybe I should put on the lovely brown scarf that Bassem brought me back from Saudi?" "Nope, its the wig today Sondria!" My commitment returns. That was easy. I grab the sucker and put it on. Now as any woman who reads this and has lost their hair knows the oddest feeling is to put a wig on your newly bald head. " Is the part in the right place?" "Is it too high, is it too low?"" Everyone will know its a wig." I begin to play around with it, fixing loose hairs, adjusting the placement and pinning some stray hairs out of my face. I think I got it. I find you gotta take a minute to let it soak in, let your mind adjust to the new you. You know what, it eventually does.
I put on the last bit of lip gloss and I was ready to go. I met my friends and they were all gracious in their compliments and comments. I sat through lunch and forgot it was on my head, except when it kept falling in my pasta. " Waiter I need a spoon to twirl my pasta please" its easier to eat through my newly adorned head of hair.
Acceptance, that is the key. Not from those around me, but of myself and who I am now. I am glad I challenged myself to put on my wig today. This " little bit of bad luck" as a elderly gentleman said to me this week, has made me do things I never thought I would or could do, even something as simple as putting on a wig. I knew I had to be whole on the inside so that everyone could see that on the outside. The wig was just another pretty scarf.