Saturday, 1 December 2012

" Where the clear wind blows"


The distinction between the past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion. 
Albert Einstein 

The past week has been nothing short of amazing with a splash of overwhelmed and a couple of ass kicking days.

I waited last week, like a kid on xmas morning, for the paper to come. I knew the article would be in there.  My expectations for what Sarah would write being muted with the unknown. I dug through the paper  to find the section she said it would be in and there it was. Me!  A lot of me. Now the other half of St. John's would know. I preceded to have a mild panic attack, while my husband looked at me saying " why are you crying?'  The reality of what has happened once again there for me to accept.  Joy, sadness all mixed into one moving article. Malin's pictures startled me at first, like I had never seen them before, as if it was all new to me. Its completely moving to have your life reflected  to you in a well written and photographed manner.  I cried as I read the story moved as if it was someone else's.  I will be forever grateful to Sarah for writing it and for the newspaper deeming it worthy of such coverage.

The emails, phone calls, texts and Facebook messages were amazing. How could one not be moved by such support. One highlight was a phone call later that night from a number and name I did not recognize. I wasn't going to answer it but my husband did the honors. It was for me. The woman addressed herself and told me she had read the article and she had some questions for me. She preceded to ask me some things and then began to tell me a little about herself. She was 89, lived in the Goulds and reads the paper everyday. She told me she was as fit as a fiddle but had family who were not as lucky as her and in the grand tradition of a 89 year old told me a great story about the man who grew walnuts on the west coast of Newfoundland. She shared that she had written him as well, asking him about his endeavor and that he sent her some walnuts. They were a bit dry she said pondering his harvesting methods with me. I thought how lucky I was to get that phone call. A couple of days later an email was forwarded  from a young breast cancer survivor who wanted to tell me that she related to my story, and then preceded to candidly share hers. I was completely moved by the honesty. Her pain and resilience evident in every word. How honored I was to bare witness to her journey through her email.

My journey continues to challenge me as my walking on air moments are compounded with scrap me off the floor days. After 60 new cc's in my ever expanding right side occurred so did the wonderful pain that can accompany it. Felt like I was set back weeks. Well I wasn't but I am so dramatic these days where would I be if I didn't try to reel in the reader. I did my blood for the clinical trial, 9 vials they took, I think they are harbouring some vampires who need human blood.Although if one of the  guys from the Vampire Diaries needs a donation I am your woman. It turns out my liver is ever so slightly off and will have to be retested next week, but only one vial this time thanks be to god. I arose many a day this week feeling like someone had knocked the wind out of my sails. The Tamoxifen doing the dance of the seven veils on my hormones. Crawling in a ball seemed like the best solution. I however, did not. Hardest thing ever not to give into that feeling. As has been the way through this journey my friends reigned supreme. Lunch with amazing women on several days lifted me up where I belong. ( okay roll scene from Officer and a Gentleman). Thanks for carrying me when I was having trouble carrying myself. This week also mean't two more women became part of Malin's and My project. One interviewed and one photographed. How could one not feel lucky.

I am returning to work this week. The thought of returning to routine, daunting but maybe what I need. Not sure what I need anymore, but I know I want everything.

Time goes by, no time to cry, life's you and I, alive today
" Up where you Belong"

Time goes by, no time tTime   cry, life's you and I
A live todTime goes by, no time to cry, life's you and I
A live todayTime goes by, no time to cry, life's you and I

1 comment:

  1. Salut ma soeur,

    You are great at putting into writing how you are feeling, coping, surviving from day to day. week to week. You continue to amaze me with your resilience, especially those days when you would rather be curled up in a ball in bed. I was so proud to see the article in the Telegram, and more-so when Eilish posted it with a "so proud of my mom". The story of the phone call that night from Goulds and the walnuts, how can it not make us giggle. I expect that your "fill-ups" must be near complete, and that will be one more painful hurdle passed. Good luck with getting back to your work and the security of routine.
    Je t'aime, Geraldine