The looking glass

“It is necessary ... for a man to go away by himself ... to sit on a rock ... and ask, 'Who am I, where have I been, and where am I going?”
― Carl Sandburg

Sitting down to write this blog has been a very interesting experience for me. Wanting to tell you something significant in my journey, wanting it to be meaningful to me so that when I write it down it means something to you. Its been a month since I wrote anything, yet so much has gone on in my life. Christmas and New Years has come and gone. I am back to work full time. I started a clinical trial and think I am on the actual drug in my blind study. I am trying hard to get back to my life that was with the reality of what my life actually is today. I am changed. That is for sure.
I had lots of great times over Xmas with wonderful moments with friends and family. Just before the holidays I received a phone call one evening. It was a 83 year old lady who had read my newspaper article which her family member had saved for her. I was touched that she took the time to reach out and share who she was and what she had experienced as a breast cancer survivor. Sometimes you do something and you never realise the impact that it has on someone else. Everyone deserves to be validated in their experiences no matter what they are. I know that for sure. You need to be reassured that it was all real and that you made it. That you kicked ass even when yours was being destroyed.

One of the most humbling things that happened to me lately was when I received a email from a young woman in the United Kingdom who asked me to be part of a project she started to support her friend who has breast cancer. She had come across my blog. She asked me to write a letter to my 14 year old self. Wow thirty three years of experience to impart to myself. What would I like to tell myself. People who know me know that I am a complete reflection of where I come from and the life I have lived. What nuggets of wisdom do I have to share? I thought I would write the letter and share it on here before I send it off so here it goes.

Dear 14 year old me......
Where do I start. Your such a rose coloured glasses girl. It will be your saving grace at times. You will weather some tough times but your attitude will always get you by.
You are having a tough time with self acceptance but you will figure it out, as you grow so will your ability to know and love yourself.  Allow yourself to be a never ending story.  Don't forget that you are smart and you have a ton of potential. The answers of who should be or what you should do with your life are in everything you do. Always be self aware of your gifts. Your success will always be driven by the understanding that you deserve a good life.
You will receive love and you will lose love. Your heart will be broken, mended and will move on to love again.  Remember you are not made whole by those you love only made better. Love yourself first, its only then you can give yourself fully to another.
Your discovery of your biological family will help make it all make sense. Now you know that you were raised with great love with one family and were born of love by another. You are a very fortunate girl.
You will be a great mom and raise a pretty good template for an adult. Make sure to remember all you learned when you are parenting, biggest challenge of your life. Well that is until you turn 46.
Your going to hit a bump in the road, okay more like a crater but you will discover new strength. Your fear and doubt will drive you towards doing whatever it takes to get through. Your body will be forever changed and you will have to figure out how to accept it all.  Y our self acceptance challenged once again but hey you have been here before. Remember during this time that the ones that love you are doing the best they can.
Stay away from the " why Me's" and the "what ifs". You have learned that life is fragile and that living in the future or pondering what is already happened is time taken away from living your life now.
Be grateful for the gifts, learn from the challenges, you only have today and tomorrow hasn't come.
Open your heart to all the possibilities so you will always believe.
With great hope and encouragement
Sincerely
Me

“I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then. ”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland