Tuesday, 10 July 2012

" Excuse me, but could you say that again"

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.”
Ernest Hemingway

I decided tonight to post something before chemo starts again tomorrow and the gremlins take me away and turn me into one. So for the next week dont' get me wet, feed me after midnight or expose me to bright light. I think my husband has thought about putting me in a microwave and exploding me at times, if the table were turned he would be in there. I have been like living with a loot bag at times just never know what your gonna pull out. You might be hoping for a spearmint leaf but you get a sour patch gummy.
I continue to find wonderful things to celebrate and enjoy, my life is full and I seize all opportunities to live completely when they present themselves or when life just happens. Sometimes moments just appear. As some of you know my baby girl is off the cadet camp for 7 weeks as a staff. They trained for a week and then were awarded ranks some ascending higher than others. She called me nervous and a little worn out from the activities and competition that was created for getting a rank. I knew that the Friday would be the call. I was watching my phone but of course missed two calls from her that day. I tried calling. She didn't answer. So I try a couple of more times to no avail. I think " she will call me later". I head off to the salon as I am still working on the tinkering of that wig ( insert frustrated face). It is a complete work in progress. I arrive and have to wait a little while. No problem I will do what I always do. Look at facebook on my phone. Its kinda become a lifeline when I am on my own during the days, and I am  competely nosey. I look at the feed and there is a picture of my daughter, all 16 years of her being awarded the position of Warrant Officer First Class. Top cadet on staff at Greenwood Air Cadet Camp. I could of busted with pride. She had tears in her eyes, to me it was a sign of humility and gratitude. I don't think I could at this point in my journey received a better gift. So here is my kid who is going through a rough time with her family, killed herself studying( okay she was at MUN library doing god knows what, but I am keeping my fantasies) wrote exams and then packed up and went to camp. She prevailed, kept moving forward and refused to not be defined by what shit life throws at her. She will continue to inspire me while she rises to the challenge in her own life while I must do the same here at home. I raised a great kid. Her launch pad is ready.
I managed to do a few things while in recovery this time. I had a night in the bay where I slept with no sleeping aids,  Lunch and dinner with friends, okay several dinners with lots of wine but who is counting, a concert with John Mellencamp( I was so embarrassed how he kept coming over to sing to me, I kept thinking " spread yourself around John the girls in the back are getting jealous".
What I also got this round were the results of an MRI performed the day after my last chemo. I had thought about them for the last two or so weeks. I have imagined the worst but hoped for the best. I had myself okay with a negative result but secretly I wanted it to be nothing.You have to remember in a process like this, not anticipating some negative results is naive and  will leave you ill prepared for what may come. I knew I had to see the doctor just before my next chemo so I left getting results  till then. I had wanted to call them up ( like the people who call you at dinner time for a survey) and make them tell me but I pulled back.I thought no news is good news. Now I don't know if you read stuff on walls in hospital elevators but the new signs at the hospital say " No news is not good news".
I went to appointment like the good " chemo girl " I am. They always ask a bunch of questions. " Is you mouth sore?" " Are you sleeping?" " How is your poop?" I am sorry they are like Dr. Oz.
She went through how my blood is doing. Sugar is high,  and liver being a little funky ( I wonder if the port I had did that lol). She said I am not going to turn yellow anytime soon. Thank god, can you imagine...bald, boobless and yellow? I already feel like the girl in Minority Report with Tom Cruise.
She finished up and then sighed and then "lets talk about your MRI results". I could feel the tsunami coming, okay it was more like the waves crashing down in Middle Cove beach but I am going for effect here people. " So you are full of cysts" " Mastectomy side is clear" but.................
" There is a lymph node that is suspicous, it has been recommended that you have ultrasound and a biopsy. " Yes, excuse me, could you pick up my skull, I think my brain just exploded" and I think
" I am sorry could you say that again"
It does not matter how hard and how positive you are, the news of something that could lead to anything is a bugger. The what if's and I should of's all start and they take alot of energy. In the end " you don't know what you don't know".
 I could spend the next week carrying a load that would drag me down, or I could process and move on. I got up today and took my steroids, cause there is nothing like taking a drug that makes you crazy when you are already in panic mode. Its time for my husband to put on his helmet me thinks for this round.I had earlier that morning, decided to feel around  my boob before I got up out of bed and managed to locate a nice hard lump in my remaining breast this morning ,bring on the emotional wreck. I then called people, texted them, let them know. I phoned my contact at the cancer clinic, she has been a enduring source of support for me and she manages to turn me around when I need to be turned, anyone going through cancer should be in touch with the cancer navigators there. So I had a couple of cries and talked it out. Then I got on with it. I  I cleaned, washed clothes, saw my dad and sat in the garden with a friend. All better.
My sister is coming to see me tomorrow and I can't wait. She is my focus, she gets my energy not something that is a maybe or a what if's. I think they call that control. Yeah baby!!!!


  1. Hey Sondria, this time i am speechless....truly speechless....wow, you are really courageous, really, really courageous....

  2. My guts just turned!! I'm at work and holding the tears. Jesus, Sondria. I pray it's nothing. I love the way to lean on the people who want to help and support you because why go through alone, there is no need of that. I'm thinking an August Seista Key trip would definitely be the prescription you need. Thinking of you always!! Sharon xo

  3. Thinking of you Sondria. I agree with Sharon a trip to Siesta Key in August would be lovely. I'd be happy to give you all the info and recommendations I have when you are feeling up to it. Maureen xo

  4. Sondria, think positive. There are some great success stories and there is no reason that yours can't be one of them. My wife is a 23 yr. survivor and we cherish every moment. Contact your nearest support group and reap the benefits of their collective positiviy.

  5. I love your posts, not what you are going through. You are so inspiring, even to people you don't know. Saying a prayer for you tonight.

  6. Paula Fulford (Greene)18 July 2012 at 10:30

    Hi Sondria, I just called The Murphy Centre looking for my "go to person, who knows her shit" and you weren't there, you are away on leave. So then, being like you I creeped FB! I'm so shocked and saddened to hear about sickness. I'm so proud of your blog and you for sharing your journey. You are an incredible person that has the strength and determination to fight anything. I wish you well and can't wait to have my "go to person” back. Take care of yourself and keep the blogs coming! XOXO

  7. Wishing you well. Have been there myself and know all the confused emotions and experiences. Life is now the best it has ever been and it was well worth the fight.

  8. Sondria, we met many years ago as cadets and again a few months ago at the Friends of India dinner. I'm Commanding Officer here at the Greenwood Air Cadet Summer Training Centre and your daughter Eilish work directly for me. You stated in your blog that you raised a great kid, as a person who works with thousands of teenagers, I couldn't agree with you more. Eilish is a bright young woman with natural leadership ability and projects self-confidence, authority and enthusiasm. In my many years here we have never had a first year Staff Cadet receive the position of Warrant Officer First Class, not only did Eilish achieve this but she has been doing an outstanding job since her appointment. She has been in the company of dignitaries such as the Lieutenant Governor of Nova Scotia and the Commander Maritime Forces Atlantic and she communicates with ease and a natural style. I am very proud of Eilish’s performance and achievements and the launching pad you provided is a testimony of how great a mom you are. You concentrate on your health and rest assure that your daughter is in good hands, hope to see you again soon.