Monday, 24 June 2013

Out of the fog

You don't tug on Superman's cape 
You don't spit into the wind 
You don't pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger 
And you don't mess around with Jim 
Jim Croce

So I think that someone stepped on my cape, grounded my invisible plane. The Yo Yo effect of the hormone therapy draining me of my super powers. I am human again. I would rather be a superhero, even though I was only trying to be one for myself. I wasn't looking to save mankind just me. I question whether Wonder woman ever just wanted to roll over and pull the blankets over her head? Did she ever feel like not saving the world or herself for just one day? I don't want life to be the same anymore. Time is moving at a rapid speed and sometimes its hard to keep up. " Run Forest Run".
I have realised  that recovery is a slow moving boat not the jet ski ride I hoped it would be. The realities of work, home and self a delicate combination. How do you find balance? A tree pose? Quick recoveries from surgeries,  the stopping and starting of medications playing havoc with my resilience. My life in the meantime is at its fullest. So what is my problem? As always I am trying to find perspective or opportunities that provide it and as usual I find it in the moments of simply living.

After a weekend of not feeling the best I had to drag my sorry ass out of bed on an early Sunday Morning. I was to go with Malin and one of the women who had agreed to work with us on our photo project. We were going to take her pictures in Ferryland, which sits on our stunning coast . We began our drive on a  beautiful sunshiny day that provided much needed energy and felt healing as we drove along to our destination. The car alive with chatter and anticipation as we headed towards our outdoor  photo studio. As we winded down the road our beautiful skies were replaced with thick fog that ebbed and flowed with each community we drove through.  When we finally arrived we quickly  realised that the fog was here to stay and that it would make our shoot a little more interesting seeing our back drop was now shrouded in secrecy. We decided to drive up a road towards a lighthouse, the ocean close below us as we made our way. We stopped,  parked the car  and looked ahead to see the rest of the road hidden from our view. We would start here. The women always being the focus of the pictures maybe having natures beauty hidden this time would be good. Or was it? As Malin began to take pictures it felt like the three of us were exactly where we should be at that moment. A deserted road in a remote location with fog draped around us like a blanket, protecting us as our  brave woman showed not only her scars but her soul. A healing moment not just for her but for all of us blessed to be part of this.  Being a part of something so pure and real helps me put things in perspective. I was grateful in that moment on a road in the fog with two amazing women. I  can see in the women as they get their pictures taken, what I felt that day a year ago when Malin took mine. Vulnerability, courage, gratefulness, and as always a little pain just to balance out the moment.

So I am all buoyed up from a great excursion around the bay and decide that its time to go buy some bra's for my new chest. I was so pumped that it was a little like Xmas morning. Off to La Senza I go. The girl takes me in, measures me up, a 32D really? She brings me the bra's. Oh they were so pretty. I put one of them on and the moment I look in the mirror, I am shocked and instantly sad. The whole year came rushing through my mind like a overflowing river. The reality of never looking the same, the need for acceptance of my new body, the scar there forever. A friend had come with me, and I called to her as if the sky was falling. I could feel the tears welling as my  illusion of how things were going to look came crashing down, at least in my eyes. Was it me? Was it the bra she gave me to try on? I think it was a little of both. In any case I definitely had a dent in my armour. I am fortunate to have friends that are strong and help me reframe the situation so that moving on is a little easier. Sadness would not kill my determination reaching my goal that day. My mastectomy bra's had served me well but it was time to move on from that for me. So we continued our way through the Avalon mall of possibilities until I found what I was looking for, until I could stand there and feel whole.The image in the mirror would not change just my perception needed to. Of course I found what I needed. Patience and a helpful salesperson the answer.

I think I will go for a spin in my invisible plane.


  1. Beautiful writing, so well said. (BTW, your boobs are fabulous:)