Friday, 17 May 2013

" I want to be a mermaid"

Ariel, listen to me: the human world is a mess. Life under the sea is better than anything they've got up there! -Sebastian 

 The Little Mermaid 

I watched a video today where a little girl answered the question " what do you wanna be when you grow up?" With all the sincerity in the world she looked, with a serious face at the person asking her and said " I want be a mermaid". Oh my god  " me too" " me too"! Her words resonated with me, for the simpler times when if you wanted to be something or somewhere you just dreamt it because life had not happened to poo poo your dreams. Like thinking "what kind of reconstruction surgery would that take to be a mermaid?" or "how do mermaids pee"?

After a soul filling week in New York City I returned to home to only find out that I was having surgery. The next phase in my build a boob journey. This made me anxious since it was short notice and it left little time to mentally prepare for all that surgery brings. I did however have the knowledge that I was in great hands. I had no expectations of what I might look like after this procedure as disappointment is something I have had enough of this last year. If I could fill out a bra and feel good about myself then that was enough for me. Illusions of sameness from the past a distant memory. She is gone...........

As seems to be the way of life these days there is something always happening and part of my plans a week after surgery was to attend the Breast Cancer Retreat  here in Newfoundland. I was determined to be there even though it was so close to my procedure as I was to be part of a breast reconstruction show and tell, something I had suggested for the retreat and was asked to participate in. As I sit here today I am grateful that my intrinsic need to move forward helped me get myself there. The show and tell had many women who shared their breast cancer stories and then described why they chose to reconstruct and what they went through. The stories were heart shattering and joyful at the same time, as tragedy has been replaced by hope, happiness and a self confidence which I am sure was feared lost forever for some. The experience showed that each story is different and that being a woman is something that comes from the inside out. Beautiful really is just believing you are. I am buoyed by the bravery of these women who shared themselves with others so that it may in some way help to make a decision that is informed and real. I had brought one of the framed pics from the photo project I work on with Malin. She had gotten it ready for me to bring so that I might share with the women there. I ended my story by saying that I brought this picture to remind me that I was always beautiful and that what ever they decide for themselves they have to remember that as well.

So I arrive home, floating from a beautiful weekend. Well that is except for the bit of damage I got from a run in with a parking garage pole and a broken wind shield ( details are scanty)...My husband greets me on my arrival with glee as he has purchased me a stick vac. Now people nothing says " I love you" like a stick vac....god love him. The next morning we get up to a broken furnace 30 degrees in the house. Call the furnace guy, he comes. When he goes to fix our furnace the dog we have nearly knocks him over to get past. He promptly returns with a larger than necessary rodent in his mouth. I scream, turn and run. So my point in telling you all this is.....
That even when life gets hard and it does, its those moments like my going to the retreat that give me the armour to get through. To help me heal from surgery and remember I am doing great.

As I write this blog we currently have 9 women photographed  for the photo project and one remaining to be done. A thought, an action is now becoming a wonderful reality. Something special is happening I can just feel it. Who ever thought that cancer could help you dream and then give you the strength to  make it happen.

We just don't recognize life's most significant moments while they're happening. Back then I thought, "Well, there'll be other days". I didn't realize that that was the only day.
" Field of Dreams"


  1. Sondria, ma belle

    Once again, you give us a visual! You maintain some control of your life by doing all the things you do and also by just letting go of the things that are not important. From this distant, I follow you through the bumps and grinds, the sadness, or joy and then to the hilarious adventures! The world is "a mess", but your life isn't - that is what counts, especially now that you have a stick vac! xoxo love ya - little sister - Geraldine

    1. Never under estimating life, always trying to figure it out to get through...with joy...

  2. You post reminded me that I used to swim underwater in pools and pretend to be a mermaid. It felt wonderful. Where does that beautiful ability to pretend dissappear to?

    1. I think we have to still pretend, next time you are in the water be that mermaid you probably always were.....