Tuesday, 9 October 2012


“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to."
"I don't much care where –"
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go.” 
― Lewis CarrollAlice in Wonderland

So I went to the beach!

After six months of surgery and treatments it was time to go away from it all. A temporary respite from what can only be explained as a pain in my ass existence at times. Tired of complaining and with my family needing a break from my diagnosis a collective decision was made to head south. I hoped for a place where the breeze from the sea would cool my core and let me forget that I awake as a 90 year old daily. I could forget, for now anyways. All due respect to reality.

I was still awaiting confirmation on my impending surgery. I left with no confirmed date and a resumption of my ongoing cancer medication.

A trip to the beach for a one boob wonder is interesting. Things to consider and think about. I had always wore bikini's and was determined to be in one this trip. With one water prosthesis and some mcgivering of a few swimsuits, I thought I could pull it off. Anything is possible right? Smoke and mirrors had become my speciality these last few months. What really was important for me was to be somewhere that gave my family a chance to just be. Life is constant, good and bad.
I always do well in the heat and sand. Healing to the body and soul for me. No worries about cooking, cleaning, laundry for one whole week. With the surgery in the back of my mind, I let it stay there resigned to just being in the moment.

I think one of the biggest gifts was that no one knew I had cancer.  I felt invisible, but in a good way. My newly filled in scalp went unnoticed. Nobody cared that I only had a fine layer of hair, although to a former bald girl I could of been Farrah Fawcett. Hair is hair when you go bald to get well. Not one eye batted when comparing my current self to my passport photo, although the security guard upon leaving asked if I cut it. I thought I would explain to him what happened and realised he did not speak english and had used hand signals to ask me. What was this need to tell everyone I have cancer. I think if I say it over and over again the reality might actually sink in.

Several days of sleep, eating, and sun begins to put you in a different frame of mind. Then I get the call. A beckon back to my reality. A message from the surgeons office in the middle of my paradise. I was happy to receive the call but the stark contrast to  my beach bubble was very real. I accepted a surgical date for a week after my return home, this would give me time to prepare or run away not sure which one I would chose. I stopped the cancer meds again. I felt relieved to finally know. I could go back to enjoying each second with my family.

I felt I needed to bucket list a little on this trip. So I para-sailed with my daughter, at which time I cried as I floated over the beautiful ocean and beach. Terrified that after everything I did this last six months to live, this would be how I die...my daughter just wanted me to get a grip ( insert eye roll).. I reminded her that I did it and I conquered my fear. I am afraid of everything these days, my challenge seems to be to overcome my fears. I like to give cancer the reverence it deserves and its ability to take away precious time, I am mindful how I spend mine these days. We went on a helicopter ride over the area and although I was scared to death I desperately tried to stay in the moment so that I could appreciate the beauty of where I was. I  got to laugh a great deal on my trip, from having a seaweed fight in the ocean ( parents vs child) to laughing as my daughter had a hand held fan removed from hair by one of the waiters
( dont' ask).

As I sit here writing, I know tomorrow is my surgery. I know I will be changed. My body asked to morph once again so that I may have a sense of taking control of my life. Getting back to where I think I need to be for me. Although I can change my outer person, it is the moments like my trip with my family that make me who I am and fill my soul...

1 comment:

  1. So happy that you all enjoyed your vacation. Bonne chance, demain.