Sunday, 15 April 2012
I wanted to write a blog or do something. To blog or not to blog that is the question. Do you put your stuff out there for possibly anyone to read? Do you bare your soul to the world , which for me is the worst time in my life? The one thing I do know is that the outpouring of support and love that I received in the last month has been both overwhelming and humbling. I receive a thought from people on a daily basis, whether that is in the form of an email, text or phone call. I do know that sometimes I can't talk anymore or my thoughts are completely lost because they have been running through my mind so much they run away. I wanted to be able to share with people how I am feeling and what this experience has been like for me as a way of reaching out with time to process what it is I want to share with you. Maybe through this blog someone might be a little more aware of their own body and treat it with all the love and tender care that sometimes we forget to bestow on the keeper of our fate. I loved my body and I don't blame myself for missing things but maybe as I reflect on how things happened and are happening people might learn something if not for themselves then to share with a friend.
I remember a few years ago a radiologist who was doing a ultra-sound on my breast said " if you did not have cysts you would not have breasts". I had a couple of infections in my breast by this time. I will never forget that statement as I thought it was cavalier and insensitive. I thought "how will I ever know if there is anything else in there"? So am I too just always think that is a cyst if I felt something?
Fast track a few years to November/2011 I noticed a new cyst( large) in both breasts. I remember thinking oh boy the one on my left breast was big. I decided I would wait for a cycle as it had the traits of a cyst as in being static or moving but not as much as I was used to. After my next menstrual cycle I noticed it was still there and when I dug around there was a hard mass below it. Ahhh cyst is hiding something. Not overly worried I went to Dr. first appointment I could get in Jan/12. She did an exam but just said " I think we know your breasts by now". She did however send me for a ultrasound to be safe. That took a month of waiting. The day of the ultrasound it was clear to the technician that something was there and showed the radiologist who looked at it with a puzzled look on his face. " It does not have the height of a malignancy but I won't feel comfortable letting you leave without booking a biopsy to be safe. Okay so I got flags going up the flag pole now.
I had a trip to NYC booked with girlfriends already planned and of course my biopsy was scheduled for the week I was gone so I had to push it ahead a week. My thinking was that if anything was to come of this I would not be going anywhere for a while. Even now as I type that statement I never thought I would be eating my words. This could not happen to me. I am glad I went.
I gotta tell ya girls for me the procedure of a core biopsy was tough. Its a invasive procedure that I hope I never have to go through again. I could feel each time she penetrated the mass. Five times they went in. Four samples. I was a puddle afterwards. A friends face there to greet me afterwards, thank god as I told everyone to stay home as it was a storm but she was pushy and had a four wheel drive. They told me before I left that rounds on biopsy's were on Mondays this was a Wednesday. The next few days left the thoughts of what the hell this was all gonna lead to in my head pretty much constantly. I went to work the following Tuesday. I was having a pretty upbeat day with lots of work to do and busy busy. I heard the phone ring in my purse. I remember I turned around and just stared at the purse. It thought " please don't be the doctor's office" I rolled my chair, picked up the phone and looked at the phone. It was her calling, the day after rounds. My stomach went crazy. I believe I knew at that moment what was happening, but no one had said the word. I rushed to her office that morning and I sat in the exam room. I saw the Dr. walk by and she glanced at me, I could tell this was not going to go well. She came in and sat down and I could tell this was hard for her to deliver the news she was about to share. She said she would not beat around the bush and then said " its
bad, its cancer". I can't exactly tell you what I felt at that time except disbelief and pity for myself. The room felt like it was swirling. " Why me " Why me" Why me"?????????
I had an appointment set for the next day with a surgeon.